This is Christmas number two since the death of my husband. I thought about this a lot today after setting up my Christmas decorations for the season. I remembered last year – I was like the headless horseman preparing for the season completing each preparation step like an Automatron, just one foot in front of the other without thought or emotion. I organized the neighbourhood Christmas party, and hired strangers to put up the outside lights. My home looked like it always did at Christmas, like nothing had changed. The most distinguishing moment for me came as I finished putting up a thirty foot garland atop the kitchen cabinets. No easy feat for me. It was at this moment I remembered that each year when this particularly difficult task was completed, Jim and I would stand in amazement and enjoy his favourite Christmas drink of Baileys to celebrate my success. Christmas could now happen because we were in awe of our house, our beautiful decorations, and our love for each other. The Bailey’s was also very good!
In my first “widow Christmas” last year, as you can imagine, I stood back ready to be applauded – but- no applause – my fan club was gone. Even Baileys was no consolation.
It was clear to both me and my family that somehow the heart of my home and of our Christmas spirit was missing, absent, gone.
This year is different. I am prepared for the lack of comradarie. I am prepared for the loss of love and back-slapping “way-to-goes”. I know those days are over. However….
I have to tell you that I love the look of all of the lights.
I love that I am going to have my friends and neighbours in for a party to enjoy these lights.
I am happy that, on Christmas morning this year, my grandkids and my kids are going to see them and go “ooh and ahh” because I cared enough to take the time for beauty in my life .
I am satisfied that I am doing the right thing for me.
I think I am beginning to love my life again.
Hooray! At least for today things are looking up!