In this bounce again world, at this busy Christmas time, I am slowing down enough today to reconsider…to reconnoiter as it were…to contemplate…to commiserate. I am exhausted from visiting, shopping, partying, eating too much and talking too much.
My mind has been mercifully busy in this season of love and family celebration – that season that can hurt so much if you let it – if you relinquish your resolve to keeping bad memories from treading on your thoughts and pulling down your wonder of the Christmas celebration.
Yes, there is a great one missing from our midst, but, oh my, there are great and wonderful gifts here with us. Beautiful boys and girls that are sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, grandsons and granddaughters.
You know, I always thought it was a very phoney thing in movies to see a character look back on a fellow character through little silent vignettes of past events – you know – the dancing wife, the smiling husband, the child running across a flower-covered field. Well, I am here to tell you that after having lost my husband a year ago, I am beginning to experience those crazy moments of nostalgia – the smile, the hands grasping a tool, the movement of his special swagger – all in living colour, all silent, but all very powerful. He is here somehow, but absent as in a film itself. An unreal entity, a moving picture in a book. All silent and all conjured by me. At first, I enjoy the inner visions of him – as real as they seem – but then they begin to sting in the reality that these are merely memories and those things are lost forever. The sadness wells up to the point of tears and I mourn once again for a short time.
I think it might be best if I avoid these visions for a while and fill my days with the joys that are all around me. I will, I think, concentrate on the busyness of the season, the love of my family, the responsibility of these pets I have adopted this year – all of this gives some kind of meaning to my life. I don’t just want to fill the time, endure the hours, make the best of things – I want, genuinely to enjoy every minute.
It is getting easier to concentrate on tasks and get things done. I am becoming hardened to the reality of his absence.
I will, once again visit Never Never Land, but it will have to be on my terms.