Losing Again!

Ok, so I am a spoiled widow. I have been able to purchase a second home near my child and grandchildren and still hang on to this one – built twenty years ago by my husband and I.  Admittedly , everytime I look around, I remember the musings, the planning and the conversations that went into every inch. It is a beautiful house and I love it.
My new house is plain by comparison, but it is also a happier place since it is all new with no musings from the past to threaten my day. The fact that my daughter and granddaughters drop by all the time is also reason to rejoice in each day. I get to share my life, my time, with people who love me.
For those of you who follow this blog, you know that the last major project that my husband and I worked on was the building of a two seater airplane – an RV7. The last five years of our life together was wrapped up in this project and the plane turned out great. It was a true masterpiece.
I sold it, shortly after Jim died, to a pilot who lived close by, yet I did not go to visit the plane even though it was just down the road. It hurt too much to see the hopes and dreams this thing represented to Jim and I  disappear with his diagnosis of cancer.
The new owner recently sold the plane to a man from Scotland and it is, right now, halfway across the Atlantic in a crate.
When I learned this, I cried……really cried….
Perhaps it was that I needed to see it just one more time…
Perhaps it was knowing that one more  thing in my life and my memory is now forever lost to me…gone
Perhaps it was  the surprising admission that this structure, this aircraft, is a part of me, of my life…
Perhaps it was the realization that my life is becoming a series of photos, of videos – two-dimensional …

The purchaser from Scotland said it was the best plane he had seen. Wouldn’t Jim have been proud?
He said he would keep the same call sign – Jim’s initials – JRE – Juliet, Romeo, Echo. Wouldn’t Jim have been proud?
Yes, proud but not surprised – that would be Jim’s final comment on this chapter of our collective lives – proud but not surprised.  He always knew we did things the right way.  That was just the way we lived…

Yes, I was feeling lost once again in the developments of the world around me – out of my control – losing once again on my trek to  a new understanding of who I am and what I want out of my life.  Can I climb out of this hole for good?

Time will tell.

Right now, making some great gains but still losing after eighteen months.


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