Again, another question mark in my life after losing my life partner. Someone wants to buy my house – the homestead – the house that my late husband and I designed and built. This is a real turning point and I have asked myself many questions as reality forces itself on me and my widowhood. I did entertain the idea of selling – I just didn’t think it would really happen – especially this quickly.
I can make lists of pros and cons of selling or staying. I can discuss it with my kids and my siblings. I can think and think and think, but….
As I made my coffee this morning and looked out onto the Linden tree that we planted twenty years ago – big, strong and beautiful – I came to the realization that I still expect him home and things had to be where he could find them – the utensils, the dishes and, yes, the house. How could I move? He would not be able to find me! Well, now isn’t that a quandary? Isn’t that absurd? Isn’t that crazy?
I have a good brain. I have a decently strong body. I have kids and grandkids who love me. I have the money we saved to support me – but…
Maybe life would be less painful without the responsibility of running into “Jim memories” every hour. I doubt I will ever see this little town again once I sell this house. My life will be filled with my three kids and their kids who all still live in other cities. Friends that I have here are all still with their partners and that is a tough spot to be in –as much as they try and as much as I also try to participate in “couples” things it only makes me feel Jim’s absence more. Even girlfriend outings are difficult. My girlfriends have husbands who do all those things still that Jim used to do. These women are not even aware how dependent they are on their husbands – they don’t get it and, now, bless them all, they don’t get me.
I will give this a try, I think. A pioneer in my own teeny, tiny way. A new and challenging way of life. I am a reluctant participant, I admit, but somehow there has to be more out there for me – something I can invest in – something I can really, honestly, sincerely enjoy as a person – not just as a mom or grandmom.
Being whole inside myself – that is what I need to think about right now. Who am I ? How do I impact the world around me? How do I even interact with the world around me?
The house is not my life – it is only a symbol of that life and now it is a beautiful but empty vessel without the people it was built to protect and serve. So…
I am selling my HOUSE,
I am keeping my LIFE.