Monthly Archives: December 2014

A Christmas Trilogy

Well, my faithful readers, this is the third Christmas of my widowhood.

I have, in the past year, moved to a small  house in a small village many miles away from my secure  “married life” and its many memories.  In this move, I did one monumental thing – I became part of my own life again.

As I approached this holiday season, it  became clear that I was beginning to look back on former times that were created by me – that is – only by me – not dependent on my husband.  Today,  I remember last year’s events and I can smile again – not out of loss, but now, out of gain – out of  life – out of nurture – like a new branch growing  on the side of a tree destroyed in a storm.  The new twig may be smaller and more delicate, but it is alive and it  survives.  That is how I feel – every day – hesitant, but growing…..alive…..

This may not be the life I chose – that was ripped from me without my permission ……

This may not be the future I foresaw for myself – that was changed forever in a most cruel way…

This may not be the me I saw when I first started out – she is gone forever…..

BUT….

Maybe I can have a good life, a solid future, and a better me for all I have experienced in the last three years…..

Merry Christmas to all of you who have so kindly listened to my meandering words…….. Happy New Year!

Uphill Battle to Even Ground

At the two year mark of losing my life partner, I realized that – being two years younger than him –  I was now older than he would ever be.  He was 63 years and 7 months old when he died and I am now older than that by a few days.  I am reminded of the “Ode of Remembrance” ………

 They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, We will remember them.

I am sorry, my dear, for outliving you.  I do not feel deserving of this life I have at my disposal….

YES………

I smile, I laugh and I love to be with people again…..

I cook, I eat ( too much), and I share my table with family again……

I shop, I buy, and I give away pretty things and fun things to our grandkids and kids…….

I watch nature in my new home and its park-like setting.  The deer visit at night to empty my bird feeders – small price to pay for such a wonderful sight….

OK, SO………

My life is progressing well, I guess, and it is building on itself to create a whole new “thing”…..

BUT …….My Love…….    I still wish you could visit me for even two minutes to tell me how to get over you………

Merry Christmas………………