Although I do not reflect so much on my existence or loss any longer, I have, in the last few days, arrived at what may be my tipping point. I have reached the point where I can feel whole once again, if I choose.
I could also say that I have reached the point where, if I allowed it, I could stay in “mourning” forever after and wallow in the loss and the tragedy that befell myself and my family.
It has taken two years to get here and many small transformations along the way – as my story tells you. I have taken my time to try to avoid pitfalls that I would regret later…using common sense and good reason to overcome some temptations.
I have allowed myself to reflect and to feel loss as events seemed to demand. I have not buried my feelings in the last two years – mostly because I was afraid that those emotions would rise up against me all at once in such a horrendous mass that I would not be able to handle them. I had small cries and small chuckles of remembrance, and I talked to my kids about how I was feeling. They all understood cause they felt it too.
The other day, I checked my email and there were no new messages. My six year old granddaughter heard me say: ” No emails – nobody loves me”. She looked at me quite thoughtfully and said, “Grandpa loved you”.
I guess, in a nutshell, that is what sustains me. I was loved, I am loved. I was needed and I am still needed. I still have a place in this world – in my little space in this world – and damn it – I am going to make the most of it. I don’t know how yet….but I think I survived the tipping point and came to rest in a positive place. Once again, only time will tell…..
“… promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep…”