The Season of Grief

Although it has been two years since my aloneness began, the change of the season – the melting of the snow, the smell of the beautiful wet earth – brings me back to a sadness that hovers around me like an old familiar, and heavy, coat. It limits my thoughts, my mobility, my energy. It delineates for me what is possible – how I move, how others perceive me, and how I see myself. This coat of grief at this changing of the seasons is a momentous thing. It makes me want to collapse into self pity again and it makes me feel needy and vulnerable.
I recognize what is happening, but, just like the quart of ice cream I ate last night, I can’t seem to crawl out from under its influence.
I repeat the advice I have heard from others: take small steps, don’t worry if you hibernate for a while, don’t try to do too much, don’t make any huge changes in your life, stay involved with people, get a pet – it was working for a while…
… but the coming of warm, seductive weather, the return of beautiful bird songs and the vision of green fields – brings my heart to the point of rejoicing and when it allows the joy in – all it can do is cry.
My solution today at least is to walk. Walk until I can’t walk any more. Walk in the mountain and see new sights, walk to town and get the mail, walk to the store and shop. Walk, walk and then walk again. It will be good for me and it will also help me to work off that ice cream.

Is there a season of Grief?.  Will this season return regularly? Will Grief always be my silent but deadly travelling companion? I need to anticipate better and get ahead of this “between-season season”.  I need to get on with the good side of my life……


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