Monthly Archives: May 2015

Me Without Him

OK, so I have come through a bit of a struggle, a minor crisis, a little “feeling-sorry-for-myself” time. I am now back at it – working at getting my grass to grow and my flowers to be happy. I have planted five new trees in my new lawn and I am making my new home my real home. I have designed the addition of a new sewing room, a larger deck and a garden shed to be added to my new house. I am feeling in control and organized – well maybe not organized, since I am in the middle of a construction zone right now. I am actually looking forward to cleaning up the dust and hair-balls once the new parts of my house are completed.
I have come to know my new community a little better during my renovations. Lots of questions coming to me about the construction and people dropping by to say hello and invite me to gatherings around and about town. I have truly received a warm welcome and hope that I can be as kind to others as they have been to me as time goes on.
There are lots of things to do here and plenty of good causes to keep me involved in the community. Everyone is open and accepting of newcomers – many of those people I have met here have similar histories to mine. They have moved on, away from their past and started fresh too.
If I have any advice to new widows, it would be to be sure of yourself as you move ahead. If there is a hint of hesitation about moving or changing anything – don’t do it. I remember one of the “grief” books I read told the story about a new widow who returned from the hospital after losing her husband and the next day had a giant garage sale and sold everything. Of course, she said that the very next day after that she had to go and buy a potato masher … I can sympathize and my children and friends will tell you I was not myself for many months – perhaps years. Everyone has been patient with me, for sure, but as I look back at my journal, as recorded in this blog, I can see that I have changed a lot.

I still can’t believe this is me – without him – but I can appreciate that I take pictures of my grandkids playing soccer and competing in track and field.
I still can’t believe this is me – without him – but I can enjoy buying dresses, pianos, and basketball nets for my grandkids.
I still can’t believe this is me – without him – but I love the deer and the birds that come to eat the food I lay out for them.

OK……

I am beginning to believe this is me without him……

Living

Preface:  In the depression that came this year with the coming of this beautiful spring season, I travelled through a rather major transformation.  For several days, even though the world seemed to be a very positive place in every respect, there was, once yet again, an urge to just give up, stop, get off the bus, quit thinking so much about living and dying.  This story that follows and the next one are sad, but may help some readers to understand that just getting through these sad times  allows you to move on with a greater strength, faith and happiness.  I think I made it this time.

Living

Life is the darkness that surrounds you.  You do not even recognize yourself.

Not wanting, not feeling, only breathing in the dark.
Wondering, what is the purpose of this breathing, this thinking, this existence.
Movie ended, life ended, purpose ended.
Overeating, overindulging – over everything and yet not resolved – to live.
Hurt extending, hurt everlasting, hurt revealing – the naked truth —-I am nothing,
I am empty, I am lost – a stranger in my world, a stranger to myself, a stranger to those who love me still.
My black cat casually rises from his sleep and walks away – slinks away in his own stealth. He is full of his own importance, his own passions, his own hearttbeat…
…but…
my pup brings me a toy and lays in the crook of my legs as I ponder my presence here. She has hope that I will rise and she offers me a piece of her optimism.

Her life depends on my life.

Her life is entwined with mine.

How, then, is my life expendable?
It is not.

mikki

Throwing in the Towel

Never, in my whole life, have I ever thought of giving up.
Never, in my whole life, have I ever thought of stopping – anything – a game, a job, a task, a relationship. Giving up, calling it quits, saying UNCLE.
Until now…..
Never have I ever thought before of taking a failing grade.
Never have I ever thought before of letting someone else finish first – or last in this case.
Never have I ever thought of not getting the top rating, the top grade, the top opinions …
I have trained my whole llife to be successful – that is what we do – right??? We train to be the best we can be. Work hard, do your best all the time, keep your nose to the grindstone – always excell. Be recognized by your peers, look good, act better, do the right thing – do unto others what you would have them do unto you…
In these words is the story of my life. In these words I rise and then I fall – these are words that are meaningless to me now.

I take refuge in the thought that it may be OK sometimes to just stop. Do nothing, care for nothing, be nothing.
That is what I chose for myself tonight – nothing!