At the age of 64, it is important to remember NOT to drink four cups of caffeinated coffee before you go to bed. As I tossed and turned last night, I contemplated the three years of time I have had to recover from losing my life partner. I then realized, it had been 1000 days. Too much time to think!
My meandering, night-time muse………
One thousand times, I have opened my eyes to a new day in the morning – alone.
One thousand times, I have climbed into bed – alone.
One thousand times, I have cleaned the house, weeded the garden, fed the birds, stocked the kitchen and made a day of meals – alone.
One thousand times, I have sewn a new piece for a beautiful quilt or a dress for a granddaughter – alone and without the praise of someone who respects me.
I came to the conclusion that:
I think of Jim every day, all the time – still. I talk to him, and laugh with him and commiserate with this wonderful friend I grew up with. He may only be in my sub-conscious, but he is there just the same. I do this less after this thousand days and I don’t cry like I used to.
They say “time heals” and it has certainly taken the sting away from my grief in many ways, but, I have also had to take a leading role in continuing to live. My advice to you is to take your life by its devilish horns and make it behave the way you want it to. Don’t just let stuff happen to you.
It has been easier in my new town to move ahead with new adventures, new friends, new responsibilities. I doubt there are many places like this one to start over. My new friends here – my own age by the way – are giving and caring and inclusive. If they are going to an activity, they make sure I know about it so I can join them. They don’t insist on driving me – they seem to know I like my independence too – that I need that to feel whole again. Nobody here knew Jim well and I am meeting people at face value. I am not a principal here, I am not a choir member here, and I am nobody’s widow. I am just me.
A thousand times when I wake in the morning I have rejoined my husband in a tribute to the day.
A thousand times I have wished him goodnight.
A thousand times, I have looked at a plane flying overhead or heard a motorcycle roar down the street and I have yearned for his arrival at home from his adventures.
A thousand times, I have arrived at my table to eat my dinner by myself and I have wished for his kiss hello and his praise of my culinary skill.
A thousand times I have looked back wishing life had given me more time with him.
My goal: for the next thousand days – live life to the fullest – at the very least – live.