Monthly Archives: March 2016

Spring!

So, here we are at a change in the seasons and I wake with trepidation as each sunny day appears.

In the past three years, each new season has brought me overwhelming feelings of loss and regret, and this year I have decided that I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

The smell of the wet earth emerging from under the icy snow and the sound of the birds happily returning to their homes of last summer fill my days. The deer begin to abandon me as they seek out the green grass in deeper areas of the woods to meet their mates and have their babies. The rhythm of the world seems to be in sync.

I have had lots of things to rejoice about this year and I am looking forward to my flowers – newly planted last year – emerging from their winter freeze. Will they have survived? A question still to be answered – but I am optimistic.

As usual for me, with the change of seasons, I am thrown into thoughts of wanting to share the beauty of all of these changes with Jim.

I am actually starting now to think about my parents, and his parents who all passed away before he did.

I think, perhaps, I am beginning to classify him with them now – he is gone and he is with them in my thoughts – a still picture in my book of life. This is easier to deal with, I must admit.

Have I finally grown up and am I dealing with my reality in a healthier fashion?

I have given this some thought this morning and have decided that TIME really does have a healing or numbing proponent. Our memories are less real as time passes and therefore, less intense.

I am busier now than I have been in many years. I have new friends, my own age, in my newly adopted village and I value their camaraderie. They have only known the single person – not the widow. They look at the real me – not the bereaved me. They seem to enjoy my company and I certainly enjoy them.

Many times I have second-guessed my decision to move away from my “JIM&DONNA” life and I have no regrets – except that I also moved farther away from my sons at the same time.

If there is one thing I will pass on to you today, it is that we need the support and friendship of people our own age. As much as our kids love us, it is not their job to keep us company and provide us with a social life when we are left spouseless.

It has taken me three years to get on the upside of this climb back into living, but today, things are real and spring has sprung again.

I am happy that I am here to see it!

Three Years Survival

….Yes, still survival….

Today (Mar 3) is Jim’s 67th birthday and I cried – I should have smiled because I remembered his eyes, his human-ness, his heart – his zest for living.

Instead, visions of his dying still intruded into my thoughts…his pain, his bravery, his loss.

How do I get rid of those negative last reminders of his dying and his death…those horrific, unpreventable events…..

I want to remember Jim with happy thoughts. I want to smile when I think of him – because we had such a wonderful life together. It doesn’t seem right that 40 years of a life spent together should be dominated by six months of dying together.

For my fellow berieved…. three years has marked a turning point for me in living life as an independent person – for smiling unreservedly, for not feeling guilty about smiling unreservedly and for getting my act together in terms of taking care of myself better.

I plan to get back to exercising and putting my “falling-apart” body back together.
I plan to continue to nurture new relationships with my peers and serve my community to the best of my abilities.
I plan to work on my quilts until I am finally happy with one.
I plan to love my kids and their kids until the day I die.

Most of all…..

I plan to do more than just survive……

BUT…

…. still love you, Jim!!