So, here we are at a change in the seasons and I wake with trepidation as each sunny day appears.
In the past three years, each new season has brought me overwhelming feelings of loss and regret, and this year I have decided that I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
The smell of the wet earth emerging from under the icy snow and the sound of the birds happily returning to their homes of last summer fill my days. The deer begin to abandon me as they seek out the green grass in deeper areas of the woods to meet their mates and have their babies. The rhythm of the world seems to be in sync.
I have had lots of things to rejoice about this year and I am looking forward to my flowers – newly planted last year – emerging from their winter freeze. Will they have survived? A question still to be answered – but I am optimistic.
As usual for me, with the change of seasons, I am thrown into thoughts of wanting to share the beauty of all of these changes with Jim.
I am actually starting now to think about my parents, and his parents who all passed away before he did.
I think, perhaps, I am beginning to classify him with them now – he is gone and he is with them in my thoughts – a still picture in my book of life. This is easier to deal with, I must admit.
Have I finally grown up and am I dealing with my reality in a healthier fashion?
I have given this some thought this morning and have decided that TIME really does have a healing or numbing proponent. Our memories are less real as time passes and therefore, less intense.
I am busier now than I have been in many years. I have new friends, my own age, in my newly adopted village and I value their camaraderie. They have only known the single person – not the widow. They look at the real me – not the bereaved me. They seem to enjoy my company and I certainly enjoy them.
Many times I have second-guessed my decision to move away from my “JIM&DONNA” life and I have no regrets – except that I also moved farther away from my sons at the same time.
If there is one thing I will pass on to you today, it is that we need the support and friendship of people our own age. As much as our kids love us, it is not their job to keep us company and provide us with a social life when we are left spouseless.
It has taken me three years to get on the upside of this climb back into living, but today, things are real and spring has sprung again.
I am happy that I am here to see it!