As has been the case over the last four years since losing my husband, the warmer seasons have brought about lingering feelings of missing him.
I, once again, think of him first thing in the morning as I wake up and in the evening when I am slowing down from my day. I have now determined that I know why…
Yesterday, as I was returning from yet another shopping trip, I saw a boat cutting across the waves on one of the beautiful blue lakes that I enjoy every day. I know what boating feels like. I know what boating smells like. I miss it.
I hear many planes fly to the nearby airfield every day. I know what flying feels like . I know what flying smells like. I miss it.
We used to have our kids visit us all the time. I know what that feels like. I know what that sounds like. I would like to see them more. I miss them.
In summer, Jim would fly, bike, boat, cut the lawn, wash the cars and laugh at my jokes. He was a lot of fun. I miss that.
I go into my yard every day and weed and dig and plant and care for my garden. I used to share that job with my husband. Now I do it all. It is hard. It is unthankful. It is never done. I need someone to help me. I miss that.
I drive Jim’s truck in the summer even though I can barely see over the steering wheel. It was his pride and joy – the first vehicle he bought when he retired. He loved it and it makes me love him – again…
It was four years ago on August 1 that he collapsed. That was the beginning of our end. I know anniversaries like this will cause me to think back on the ugly days of our death, but I must acknowledge them and put them in their place. I am still not sure where that place is.
Jim and I spent a lot of quality time together in the summer months. We did fun stuff . The good times we had in the summer season made it OK for us to turn our attentions full throttle to our jobs when fall and winter fell on us.
I will be OK….