So, our 44th anniversary was the 19th of August and I bought a miniature bottle of champagne to have a toast to our time together. Jim and I did this and I have done this every year since his death. This year, was different…
I brought out our special wine glasses – the same ones we used on our actual wedding night – and I filled them with champagne. I drank mine and put my glass on the counter after toasting my beloved husband.
There it was -my empty glass beside his still full one. That told it all. That vision, created by me, was an absolute disaster.
I thought I had been successful in coping with my life on a singular level but here I am after four years. trying to , once again, come to terms with being a person of one – singular- alone- lonely.
I think I was daring my memories to haunt me – having felt so strong and free from grief and its overwhelming silent sadness.
It has now been three days and I am still reeling from the affects of my memories. I did this to myself! I am getting there, but I am not whole yet. I wonder if I ever will be.
Do I dare myself ever again to remember the past and not let it over-rule my present?
I have said it before, and I will say it again – I hate August and all of its memories.
I will avoid August – make a plan to be somewhere, devise a holiday or tasks that require lots of time and thought.
I will not buy champagne.
I will store the fancy goblets away .
I will not dare myself to remember for a while – not ready for that, I guess.
So, my readers, if you are also grieving – Don’t Do What I Did! (I think……)