Don’t Do This… I Think

So, our 44th anniversary was the 19th of August and I bought a miniature bottle of champagne to have a  toast to our time together.  Jim and I did this and  I have done  this every year since his death. This year, was different…

I brought out our special wine glasses – the same ones we used on our actual wedding night – and I filled them with champagne. I drank mine and put my glass on the counter after toasting my beloved husband.

There it was -my empty glass beside his still full one. That told it all. That vision, created by me, was an absolute disaster.

I thought I had been successful in coping with my life on a singular level but  here I am after four years. trying to , once again, come to terms with being a person of one – singular- alone- lonely.

I think I was daring my memories to haunt me – having felt so strong and free from grief and its overwhelming silent sadness.

It has now been three days and I am still reeling from the affects of my memories.  I did this to myself!  I am getting there, but I am not whole yet.  I  wonder if I ever will be.

Do I dare myself ever again to remember the past and not let it over-rule my present?
I have said it before, and I will say it again – I hate August and all of its memories.

Solution:

I will  avoid August – make a plan to be somewhere, devise a holiday or tasks that require lots of time and thought.

I will not buy champagne.

I  will store the fancy goblets away .

I will not dare myself to remember for a while – not ready for that, I guess.

So, my readers, if you are also grieving – Don’t Do What I Did!  (I think……)

072

 

 

2 responses to “Don’t Do This… I Think

  1. It is debilitating for me to bring certain memories to the forefront and even though it’s only been one year I can’t see how this will ever get better… Sorry I don’t have any good advice for you but something tells me (OK my psychologist told me) that avoiding them is not the way to go. xoxo

    • I agree that grief is hard work and we need to face our memories and the feelings they bring. I believe I went too far this year – it is still a tender grey line almost like a strip of quicksand that I stood in too long and I began to sink and could not get free. Thanks for your comments and good luck to you as well.

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