I need to let you go now.
I can no longer linger with you, together, in this middle world. I can no longer pretend we are together, a team, a reality.
It is time for you to become my history, my story, my past…….you need to be what you are – lost to me.
Clinging to my existence as it was: measuring my life, my accomplishments, by laying them beside my former self, the self I was with you, can no longer be enough. It is merely compensatory, make-believe, fake.
Living up to your standards and for your approval is not working for me in this life and you would be the first to say that I should go my own way.
You would have chided me into having the confidence to live my life in forward motion instead of backward glances.
You will always be the love of my life….but…
It is time for you to go .
Hello to my fellow bloggers. I appreciate that many of you have been following my musings for the last 6 years.
This has been a hellish ride for me and yet I have found that writing about it has given me strength to deal with my grief better.
It has been good to look at my feelings in words, relive them a little bit, and understand that they are a real part of me and that grief is the toughest feeling there is. It seems like great sadness is a transitory thing that can cause our creative natures to take hold. How many beautiful movies, poems, stories have you experienced that began with loss.
To me, it seems as though we can dig into our lives better when we are digging ourselves out of a problem. Our self-understanding is somehow illuminated in our struggles to survive both physically and mentally in these times.
It has been seven years since my husband of forty years died of cancer at the age of 63. His four year struggle dealing with the idea of dying was painful, hideous, frightening and unstoppable. A reality to beat all realities.
They have said that you reinvent yourself every seven years. I believe this may be true.
I intend, at this time, to focus on forward movement in what remains of my life. I have spent enough time trying to come to terms with a loss to which I will never surrender. That is the simple truth. It will remain with me as an open wound, festering at times and then seeming to be unremarkable.
Please feel free to print out these stories if you think they may be of help to you. I hope that if you have been challenged in your life, you may find some recompense in looking at my rambling story………
The last entry follows…….